Going Bald!

A lot of things have happened this week. I will dive into them in detail throughout this post. Hair loss, our anniversary, Kylie’s family coming into town, a big chemo day, and more. We are so grateful for the love and support we have felt from so many people this week. 

At Church this past week, someone passed around little ribbons for people to pin on their shirts or lapels. The ribbons had the breast cancer sign on them. It is such a small but sweet representation of the people we know and love, supporting us. 

After church on Sunday, the rest of the day was pretty normal, just us at home, going on walks, and spending family time together. 

As the week progressed, and I had some meetings with my boss at work, I became increasingly aware of the divine design and hand in my life these last few years, especially in the professional realm. I love teaching and even tried to get hired to teach seminary right after college. I did not get hired for that job, which is okay. A few years later in 2021, I decided to try teaching again and I got a job as a 7th-grade science teacher at a charter school. 

Unfortunately, that job was very mentally straining, and I felt very beat down after working there for only 7 months. I ended up quitting in March 2022. Right after I quit, Kylie and I went on a 5th wedding anniversary cruise. More on that story later. 

I did not quit without a plan. A month before one of our good friends got a job as a Salesforce Administrator. Salesforce is an online platform that companies can use to see all their customers in one place. She started working from home and telling us about how great it was. I initially thought it was a scam and so did many of my family. Because we had never heard of Salesforce and making that much money working from home was not heard of in the social circles we are in. But I felt that I should and could give it a try. So I began studying to learn the system and pass a test. I also began making connections to potential employers during this time. 

In March 2022, I told Kylie I would hopefully have a job in one month after studying full-time and then passing my test. I studied all day and into the night, days without end. After 3 weeks of studying full-time, I took the test and failed by 3 points. 2 weeks later I took it again and failed by 1 point. This was very hard for us because our savings were running out and our Air Conditioner broke at the same time. Stresses were high. Arizona was hot. But I was determined. I went to a job fair and applied for this role with a company I spoke with. I studied some more, and then received a priesthood blessing for help. 2 weeks later I took the test a 3rd time. I had to pass this time or wait 4 months to try again. Thankfully, I passed with 7 points extra. 2 weeks later, I started work at the company I spoke to at the career fair. 

I’ve worked at home ever since and it is amazing. I don’t think I want to go back to an office until my kids are older and not home. And being at home with a flexible schedule at a good company has been a huge blessing during this hard time with Kylie’s cancer. I can work early in the morning or late at night and take care of Kylie during the day. I can take the kids out at 10 am to play and get their wiggles out. I can work while I am sitting next to Kylie as she gets her chemo done. God led me to this job and this employer, he knew exactly what was going to happen in our lives 2 years down the road. He prepared us and me for this experience. This is one of the ways he has done this. 

Another way he prepared us was by having us move to this exact neighborhood. Emmie’s teacher at school messaged Kylie and said “We all thought it was crazy that three kids from the same neighborhood ended up in the same class, that never happens. God has you and he still will.” The 2 kids in our neighborhood are Emmie’s best friends around here right now. Their parents have been so good to us and help us pick Emmie up from school when we need help. This is another way God has been in our life. 

He is always there, he is not absent from our journey here on earth and as we look back, we can connect the dots of his guiding hand. 

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CHEMO

I went with Kylie to Chemotherapy this week. We got to ask the nurse about the reason for the injections. I am always asking so many questions. She told us their biggest concern is with the platelets and neutrophils with the White Blood Count. If they go below a certain number, they have to hold off treatment. This is why they give her injections, to boost the WBC. 

Before Chemo, Kylie’s mom came into town. The kids call her Kiki, so that’s what we call her too. She got here late Monday night and stayed at home Tuesday with Tommy. Logan, one of our friends here, took Willie to his house for the day. He has a little boy just a few months older than Willie and a newborn about 5 months older than Tommy. They are always there for us when we need them. Kylie and Logan have known each other for a long time, they even went to Homecoming together. 

We went to chemo and Kylies WBC levels looked good. They were up higher than last week, so the injections worked great. 

Kylie has to put a mask on for the port needle stick. It’s a sterile procedure each week, the nurse also wears a mask and gloves.  To start the treatment today she started with anti-nausea.  Next, she gets steroids which help her not get an allergic reaction to Benadryl and other drugs. After steroids, she gets the Benadryl. This is to help prevent other allergic reactions to some of the harsher drugs that get pumped through her body. 

All these prep drugs get pushed in over a 5-7 minute period for each drug by the nurse. Through a syringe.

After Benadryl, she gets another anti-nausea drug, which drips from a bag and stays in the system for a few days. It takes 30 min to drip. 

Next, she starts the bigger drugs. She gets Keytruda for 30 min then Taxol for an hour. Taxol is when we put ice gloves and socks on. It turns her hands and feet into a frozen tundra.

This week’s chemo went well, she sat there and I sat next to her and worked. 

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Hair

Last week her hair started falling out, but this week, after chemo, it started to come out. The thinning of her hair is hard to watch. She doesn’t want to take showers or brush it for fear of it coming out. I don’t like seeing her like this because it is a physical reminder of what is going on in her body. I am very grateful for the modern medicine to help her body heal and rid her of Cancer, but it is hard to watch. Every time Kylie itches her head hair falls out. The part on top of her head gets wider each day. Needless to say, this week, we have both not had an appetite, hers more than mine because, on top of the mental stress of this, she is physically not well. It has been a rough week, but we are still here and still got to spend a lot of quality time with each other. 

To help with this hair loss and to move past all the anxious feelings, She decided to get a buzz and a shave on Sunday. I am excited to see her bald. Bald is beautiful. Look at Dwayne the Rock Johnson or Vin Diesel. Maybe we could look at Natalie Portman, who shaved her head for a role once. Directly after her hair is cut we will be having a Wig White Elephant gift exchange with the wigs she has. Seeing her embrace this hardship with faith and humor is uplifting. She is so brave 

On Sunday we gave Tommy a blessing at church and had a wonderful Christmas program celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. 

After church, we went home and prepared for Kylie’s haircut and the white elephant wig party. 

She shaved her head. We invited our friend over to buzz her hair off and her whole family for the white elephant wig party. It was an emotional experience. There was not a dry eye in the room. Emmie had a breakdown and was crying hard seeing her mom like this. Willie had a hard time looking at Kylie without hair. He has a hard time when we look different. If I take my glasses off, he says “Put your sunglasses back on.” haha.

After the tears were done, we had the party. Everyone ended up getting a wig, lots of laughs, and lots of fun times. Before the haircut, we all put on bald caps. Then after the haircut, we played the game. Everyone loved it. It was a nice way to feel joy amidst a trial. Kylie told me a little later that it feels good to have it off, it’s a relief. 

Later that night as Emmie was going to bed, I laid in her bed and chatted with her. I asked her if she was okay and what was hard about Mom’s haircut. She’s so big and said “It’s just new. And I have to get used to it.” Then she asked me “Did they cut off mommy’s boobies yet?” I said “No, but they will. How do you think they will cut them off?” She replied, “With scissors.” Then she asked me all about how they will do it and if it will hurt. And she asked me a lot of questions about how numbing works. More questions than I know the answers to. 

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EDUCATION

This week Kylie and I have dove into doing our research and getting educated more on all things Cancer-related. We have had some good conversations with family that work in the Cancer research, and Breast Cancer realm. We purchased a great book called Sugar Does Not Feed Cancer. It has a wealth of information and is dispelling some myths we have heard. The biggest thing people, who work in the cancer world, keep telling her is that she did not cause cancer. There is nothing she could have changed, done, or not done that would have made her not have cancer. One of the people we spoke with, told us that he talked with one of the greatest Harvard mathematicians who was part of a research study to try and figure out who gets cancer. The research program found out that Cancer is, most of the time, just a luck of the draw. It is not used beating yourself up over what you could have, should have, or would have done. 

This is so good to hear because it is so easy to get hung up on thoughts like “Oh, just if I would have done x, y, or z, things would be different.” It does not matter how this came about, we are here and we will get through this. 

I think the same can be said about many other areas of our lives as well. Something I have learned in the last 3 years is that there is so much in life that we cannot control. As much as I want to control everything, I can’t. The only control I have is over myself, my reactions, and how I choose to interact with other people. After practicing a lot to release control and be okay with the things I can’t control, I can handle disruptions a lot easier. When they come up I just remind myself, “Well, I can’t control that this happened or that this is this way, but I can control my reaction to it.” A prime example of this is getting stuck in traffic. There is no way I can control the 100’s cars on the road to part and let me through, I just have to accept what is, and let it go. This way of being has truly freed my soul. I can be happier, I don’t get so worked up over little things, and I let go of things that don’t matter. And boy am I glad I practiced for years before Kylie got diagnosed. It helped me to think through and process our new reality better than if I was unpracticed. 

On Friday, Kylies Dad and 2 of her brothers arrived, that night, Kylie and I left our kids to go to celebrate our anniversary at a hotel and city about an hour away. This is the first time we have not been at home for bed with our kids since March 2022 when we went on that cruise I talked about at the beginning of this blog. It was great, we slept in and then I just laid on the bed with my eyes open waiting for someone to come get me to help them with breakfast or something but no one came. It was amazing, I just laid there appreciating the silence and stillness. 

After we woke up, we walked to a really good breakfast restaurant, then we packed up our stuff and drove to the Temple. We have also not been to the Temple together in a long time, so it was nice to spend time worshipping Jesus together. We felt so much peace there. 

After the temple, we went to a Hispanic restaurant for dinner and then drove through this little Christmas town. Then we went to the airport and picked up Kylie’s other brother, his wife, and his kid. Then we all drove home together. 

Later that night, Kylie and I were brushing our teeth and we were talking about her hair. We just cried together. This has happened often these days. After the kids are in bed and we are alone in our bed or the bathroom after brushing our teeth, we just cry together. And that is okay. I told Kylie I was sad for her to lose her hair and sad in general that she is going through this. She said, “It’s just hair.” I said, “But the rest of you is not hair.” She said, “That’s why I’m doing this, so we can save the rest of me, my hair will grow back.” We cried some more. This is our trial right now and we are going to get through it with Hope and faith in the Savior Jesus Christ. We are so grateful for each person who has sent a loving text, donated money, served in our house, made us meals, called to check in, took our kids, helped pick up Emmie, and more. This is how we will make it through, with all of our angels. 

#kyliebeatscancer